Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm not asking that you take me as I am, I'm not asking that you take me, at all...

Where there is Light, there is darkness:  my personal liberation rant.

 I am perpetually forgetful- if you tell me something of importance, I'll likely forget it.
 I'm often lazy-if you offer to do it for me, I'll let you.
 And I'm highly distractable-ooooh, what's that shiny thing?!
 I'm flighty, high strung, and have a healthy Irish temper.
 I have little patience for excuses and I always procrastinate.

What I offer of myself I offer without conditions, and for the sake of sharing.  I expect nothing in return.  I'm not asking you to take me as I am, I'm not asking you to take me, at all.  I'm not asking anything from you, as I have everything I need.   I dont seek approval,  respect, or even your love; although if you offer it, without conditions, I'll accept it with immense gratitude.

 If I have something you want/need, you can have it.  You're welcome to take what you can use, and leave the rest-  LEAVE the rest---ALONE.  I'm very happy to keep it.  I embrace all of my attributes, and I hope you embrace yours.   I wont hide my colors, and although I dress myself in the brighter characteristics of my personality like clothing, and offer you the most attractive features, if you choose to look closer you'll undoubtedly notice a rainbow of my other "styles" coming through.  I'll never ask you to take anything from me, offered or noticed.  I'll not pretend to be anything but myself, and will only offer what I truly feel is valuable.  If you  expect more from me than what I am and what I offer, then the disappointment you experience belongs to you.

I will always treat you in kind.  I respect your human-ness.  I acknowledge and appreciate the Light of your spirit, and unless you offer me your other colors for consideration, I wont examine them. I'll never expect anything from you but what you give willingly and who you are, naturally.

Boy, getting older really IS liberating.

Today, and every day may we only take from eachother what we can use to grow in love, and may we respect eachother's personal human journey.

Blessings of Love and Light,

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What do you want? And how can you get it TODAY?

We've all heard the saying "If you want to be successful, surround yourself with successful people".   So true.  Determining what you really want is step one...and it sounds so easy, doesnt it?  But why do we have such a difficult time making these decisions?  I mean, make a list of what you want, and there you have it!  Right?  Go ahead!  Take 15 minutes and just brainstorm in writing the things you want. A home on the french riviera?  A new wardrobe?  A car that starts with every turn of the ignition?  No need for descriptions, not necessary to figure out the 'how".  Just list 'em.  Come on back when you finish.

Finished?  Good!

Now, time for list number 2.  This list's title is "What I want to DO".  Would you like to switch careers?  Do you wish to be a teacher?  A doctor?  A laywer?  An entertainer?  A parent?  Put the pen to the paper now.


Okay.  Her'es the fun part.  Actually this part wasn't my idea at all, but a great tip from Martha Bleck in the article entitles "Words to The Wise" in January 2011's edition of "O", the Oprah Magazine.  How about we try to approach this from a less-physical angle?  Just for fun, make a list of what we want to BE.    No;   a wife, father, doctor, athlete, entertainer, teacher cannot don this list...I'm talking about attributes.  How do you want to FEEL?  "Adjectives"....what are the feelings, or adjectives you hope to accocmplish?  Secure?  Content?  Peaceful?   High, full of life force energy?  Adventurous?  Make a list of 3 attributes.

_____________________, __________________________, _________________________.

Take list #2.  Imagine what a day and a week looks like "doing" this.  If you can, interview a couple of people from the same sex that are doing that.  Find out what a day and a week is really like!  Now, back to list 3.  Will "doing" #2 bring you #3?   Important questions when your planning your life, dontcha think?

Now, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and suggest that list #1 is a far cry from list #3 in terms of what we truly desire.  And let's just take the idea of money out of the picture for a moment-and let me tell you why:  Money=More.   Period.  So whatcha got in your life?  Do you have a happy family?  Are YOU happy?  Do you have peace?  A calm sense of purpose and faith?  Stress?  Health issues that have been caused by that stress?  Relationship issues that seem to plague your daily life?  Want MORE of what you already have?  Or is it CHANGE your looking for?  Money wont bring change.  Money doesn't equal change.  Money=More.  Period.   So if you arent filled with the attributes on list #3, and your life is not filled with the attributes that you truly desire today, let's not wish for more of the same.  Let's change our reality.  Then we can work on the money.  :)  

Its' very common to "not know" if we actually possess the attributes we've listed in #3.  We feel like sometimes we do, but other times we are very far away from them.  We can even experience both of these contrasts more than once in a 24 hour period!   A really easy and fail-proff trick that you can utilise any moment of any day that will tell you exactly how you are doing:  who is in your space right now, and what are their attributes?  ;)  My Mom told me that she knew what I was up to by knowing who my friends were.  It's true.  You really can gauge where you are in contrast to where you want to BE (list 3) by examining the people you surround yourself with.

Yes it's true:  if you want to be successful, surround yourself with successful people.  And if you want to be peaceful, surround yourself with peaceful people.  If you want to live a life full of adventure, surround yourself with adventurous people.  But, what if, when you look around your life, the people who you're looking at dont embody that which you desire?  How do you find the right people?

Books.  Websites.  Blogs.   Magazines.   It's a GREAT beginning.  Find inspiration daily from sources of that which you desire.  Sign up for daily emails from someone who has what you want.  Begin today.  That's step one!

Seek and you shall find.  As you become inspired by what you find, your energy will begin to shift.  When your energy shifts you begin to attract people and situations with your new energy.  As you change, so does your outer life.

Here's knowing that one small, easy step will begin your journey to what you truly want to BE.

Love and Light,

Monday, January 24, 2011

let it Be

Love is all around you.  Let it be where you look.

The Light

The Great Oak

Stand tall and strong for like the Great oak, your roots run lifetimes deep.

The Light

Heaven on Earth

Today, my love, you have been granted your wish. The accumulation of judgement, fear and pain that you had sentenced yourself with has been removed, lifted.

The space that was once filled with these is heerby replaced with a light so powerful-and you have earned it.

This Light is forgiveness for the past.  This Light is acceptance-within and outisde of yourself.  This Light is Love, pure and unconditional.  Compassion so great-for yourself and for others.

Go on now, without limitation and enjoy the bliss that is now yours forever, my love.

The greatest gift has been bestowed to YOU:  Heaven on Earth.

I'm here whenver you want me.

The Light

Step forward

Step forward boldly with complete certainty that NO limitations exist.

Like Moses, you will part your red sea when you move forth in this manner.

The Light

I Think


What you think you are is what you are. Think you're tired? Think you're poor? Think your depressed? Think your overweight? Guess what? You are tired, poor, depressed and overweight. Bummer, huh?

1. Create a mantra. "I AM ____________".
Repeat it to yourself-often! It should be your waking thought and repeated all day
2. Visualise that mantra. visualise yourself BEING what you ARE. Visualise it to the point
that you FEEL, that you EXPERIENCE the EMOTION you'll feel when it IS.

Don't worry about the how, dont make plans on how to get there, dont set goals. Just THINK an FEEL and ACT AS IF you are what you want to be. This is especially powerful if you remember to do this when you feel your energy is low(feeling sad, angry, tired, anxious).

No need to start with something small. Think BIG. But shoose just one thing. commit to making it your focus this week. If you'd like to share your committment and your amazing synchronistic experiences that begin to manifest in your life, I'd love to hear them.

I PROMISE you that if your mind is right(that you are focusing on HAVING/BEING and noe LACKING/WISHING FOR), it will BE! I've done it numerous times in my life, and changed a whole lot of things. My personal mantra this week is "I am rich". One of my visualizations is cash falling from the sky into my lap(as I am not trying to figure out how to get it, I'll leave that up to the Higher Power).

Love and Light,

Plug In The Joy!

An East Indian proverb says "Imagining fears causes diseases."
Fear can immobilize you, stress your body and consequently make you ill.
Another proverb says "Courage is eternal it will not die, but the thrusting of fear is a terror in the soul and blocks out our Godliness".

Proactive formula: spend some time before falling asleep remembering a moment when you were filled with extreme joy. Be present in that moment of your mind for as long as you'd like. The next time you find yourself feeling worrisome,angry, nervous, sad(all fear-based emotions) "plug-in" your joy memory. You may have to turn back to the memory a few times, as our minds are accustomed to being distracted, and also used to producing feelings of a certain nature-therefore habitually moving toward the same reaction(worry, guilt, ect.); so retraining the mind to focus on happiness is a learned behavior.

hint: there are only two feelings. All of our emotions fall within these two categories: love or fear. Use those joy memories , and start moving into love.
Love and Light,

Quiet Screaming Lessons In Your Head

Our lessons come quietly.

Unless we don't hear.

Then more and more loudly....until we do.

Are your lessons screaming at you?  Do you feel surrounded by them?

 If so, get quiet.  Really quiet.  Take study of your-self.

and if not, get quiet.  Really quiet, and take study of yourself.  ;)

Love and Light,

Your Thoughts Produce Your Experience. NOT the other way around!

There are only two core emotions:  Love and Fear.

FEELINGS, ie: happiness, joy, peace, frustration, anger, sadness, worry; are the symptoms of these two emotions.

SOUL, being eternal, remembers everything, knows everything, is part of the "unity" of the ONE, call it God, call it Universe, and is Love, Is only Love, and Love is Truth.

THOUGHTS are the producer of this movie we call our lives. The effects of our THOUGHTS are first mental ie: FEELINGS and when thoughts are combined with strong emotion (Love or Fear), they produce physical, tangible results-our EXPERIENCES.

MIND is the controller. This is where our power lies. It is where our THOUGHTS originate. It is the highly intelligent force which has total control of thoughts. Our MIND is what we usually "think WE are" (notice the word "think" in that sentence. That's no coincidence and very literal.) Therefore, "we" have control over our thoughts.

FEELINGS are our INTERNAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM. They are our indicators as to whether or not our THOUGHTS are relfecting what our SOUL knows(our truth about who we are and where we are going)-and again, the soul is only Love.

Monitor your feelings. Frustration, anger, worry, saddness should serve as your warning signal that your THOUGHTS are seeded in Fear, which is not in line with your Truth of your SOUL.
Feelings of happiness, joy, peace let you know that your THOUGHTS are in line with the Truth that your SOUL knows. That is the direction to keep your thoughts moving in to produce the movie you intended to experience here on earth.

Remember today, YOUR THOUGHTS PRODUCE YOUR EXPERIENCE. NOT the other way around. Your experience DOES NOT have creative power, for the experience itself IS the creation.

Love and Light,

Back To The Basics

"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit"-Helen Keller

It's easy to surrender to emotional depression. It's easy to be pessimistic about tomorrow when today seems so bleak.

I'ts time to put our thoughts of lack behind us. It's time for us to discover the secrets of the stars, to sail to an uncharted land, to open up heaven wherever our spirits can soar. But first we will have to make changes, and lasting changes dont happen overnight. Lasting change happens in infinitesimal increments: a day, an hour, a minute, a heartbeat of time. and the change I'm encouranging you to make is fundamental. Take a deep breath. We're going to learn to become optimists.

Now, be reassured. Optimism, like a happiness habit, can be learned. Start today with two expiriments.
1. breathing-slow your breathing down and pay attention to it. Slow and deep in, slow and steady out. every time you think of it. Know that it is calming your mind for clarity, and calming your body as well.
2. smile at everyone you meet.

expect that something good is going to happen to you no matter what happened yesterday. Realize that the past NO LONGER HOLDS YOU CAPTIVE. IT CAN ONLY HURT YOU IF YOU HOLD ON TO IT. Let it go. A simply abundant world awaits.

may Love and Peace be yours,

Note: much of this writing was inspired by "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of comfot and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, one of my beginning courses in living an authentic life.

We Must Ask First. It's Up To You.

 "Ask and you shall recieve".

"All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they
have asked and desired.~Martin Luther.  Passed to me by~ Neale Donald Walsch  12/28/10

"Believe.  When a believing person prays, magic happens"

Most relationships that fall apart fail because we dont "get"  what we want or need from the other person.  We assume that the other person knows what we want/need.  We expectantly think they *should* know, and resent them for not providing.   But, according to the Universe, we can only recieve what we have asked for.

Our relationship with the Universe begins with a thought.  In the physical world where we have chosen to be in a body, we must use that body to communicate our wants/needs with eachother.

If even God doesn't give us what we dont ask for, then how can we give to eachother what isn't expressed as a want/need?

It all begins with you........

Learning how to express to another person what you need/want is the key to reciprocal relationships.

If I havent told you what I need/want from you, you will never have the opportunity to provide it,  because you'll never know I needed/wanted it in the first place.  Shame on me for not letting you know, and for holding it against you that you didn't guess.

Love and Light,

Speak Your Mind or Forever Hold your Peace.

 Dont be afraid to speak whats on your mind.  It is the first step to resolution.

Are we afraid of confrontation because we lack the skill to express ourselves effectively?

Are we afraid of our own feelings?

 Feeling angry never feels good, (insert a big "DUH") but if we dont speak our mind, the feelings dont leave us, they grow and mutate into something even uglier, something that isnt even real.

So why do we hold on to our "stuff"?  Why do we avoid resolutions and thereby "stuff" our "stuff" deep into our bodies, our bones, our organs?  Why do we want to hold on to, to claim, to own something that doesn't feel good?  Because it feels better than the alternative!  When we are angry at someone else, we are generally blaming them for something.  When we blame someone else we focus our energies on what they did, and we dont have to look at what we did.  Anger feels better than guilt.   When we hold onto anger and dont speak and take the first step to resolution, we are making a conscious decision to ignore our lessons.  And the bigger that angry guy gets, the better we feel about ourselves-by making another person wrong, we we are faking ourselves into beliving we are right.  And everyone likes to be right.   

No argument is one sided.

What is the worst that can happen?  We have to face the angry guy who exists inside of us!  And maybe the angry guy who exists in someone else.  Yes, they are both ugly.  But underneath the anger is hurt, and we can only hurt if we "care", which means that underneath the hurt, there is compassion.  Speaking your mind is the first step to resolution because it begins to peel the layers off of the situation to get to the truth, and at the bottom of it all, is compassion.  Dont walk away from a fight  :)  Someone yells?  So what!  If you're going through hell, keep going (Winston Churchill).  Ssee it to the finish, because after all the layers are peeled back, at the core is always love, or at a minimum, resolution.

You have three choices with anger:  resolve it, stuff it, or let it go.

Speak now or forever hold your peace!

Love and Light,

Goodmorning Gorgeous!

Have you ever "caught" yourself thinking?  If you have, then I dont need to explain what it's like....but it's really a cool experience when you "see" your thoughts as an observer.

When you first begin to retrain your mind, you must do so purposefully, with faith that like excersizing a muscle, the stregnth will be natural and visible with self discipline and consistency.

For months I've reminded myself upon waking to think positive affirmations in projection of the day ahead. This morning, I "caught" myself thinking (very different from purposefully thinking) in that moment between sleep and wake, "Goodmorning Gorgeous! It's a great day!" WOAH. That's big.

Start telling yourself what to think!  (you're gonna do it anyway.  Might as well be on purpose, right?)

Love and Light!

You Stand At The Threshold of Your Dreams

In a grand hall of candle-colored stone, violins, a harp and a horn extend a hypnotically beautiful melody in the distance. There is no end, in length or in height to this glorious place of transition.'ve been here before.
Doors as far as the eye can see interrupt the flow of magnificient Light waiting to pour out from behind them.

As you move past them you feel energy pulsing from thier stregnth and  streams of brilliant, golden glow stretch out from underneath each one.

You begin to breathe.  Deeply and slowly you allow, embrace then become the peace, the gentle excitement, the love and the certainty that is this place.

 A wave of all that is, all that ever was and all that ever will be washes over you and a voice of the purest compassion commands from within your being, from outside of you, from the walls, from behind the doors, from the ocean, from the skies and the mountains and offers you all of this, any of this...

  "You stand now at the threshold of your dreams.  Which one would you like first?" 
Love and Light,

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Go Ahead, Hold Up Those Mirrors!

Well, it all came together!  As 1/21/11 became 1/22/11...and as midnight marked my 40th year.  Just like She promised. 

I've wondered from time to time whether the Universe meant midnight on Thursday/Friday or midnight Fri/Sat  when she said that my path and direction would be clear.  And last week a couple of people mentioned things about timing and numbers that reminded me about that question.  Yesterday, 1/21, my sis said "I always thought you meant midnight tonight".

Around 11:45pm last night (1/21), I said to the Universe, "What was this about?  I thought my path and direction would be perfectly clear?"  I mean really, has this entire trip been an overactive imagination?  Is there really a red-haired spirit that talks to me?  Crap.  Why Am I So Confused???  BIG "NO FAIR"!!!

I started to wonder if I was making the right decisions.  I had a few situations come up and realizations that made me wonder why I want to be public in any way (the more people in your life, or that are exposed to you and vice versa, the more problems you have LOL, its sheer mathmatics!  And also if everyone is a mirror then the more you have, the more you have to look at yourself...). 

I also know that taking care of the people I care about is one of the lessons I came to learn, and  I forsook them (is that a word?) during my last adventure.  That makes me fearful. I mean, I still havent "become" what I know...I'm still having trouble taking my stupid supplements, thing #1!!!

Am I ready?  Can I handle having more people in my life?  Can I really, once and for all DO for(take care of) myself?  Will I be able to follow through and manage details, which I'm nototriously sucky at? 

( I also realized that taking care of my body is my absolute challenge.  And deeper than that, that may relate to the challenges I seem to have in making things physical, in manifesting...but I'll explore that another time. )

I had second and third thoughts about opening the center.  I thought that maybe I should commit to staying home for a few years and just take care of myself and my family. I thought that maybe my grand plans are really my way of distracting myself from those, my true lessons.

Seriously Universe?!  THIS is CLEAR?????

And then, at 11:57pm, I got an email from a woman I really dont know:

"Dear Elle,
It is interesting, though we don't know one another well, I find your bravery and tenacity so inspiring. I have seen you from the sidelines, watching your public success and popularity grow. Each time I have encountered you around town you have always been gracious and warm. You truly exude a very loving presence. And it is very clear that God is expressing through you in many ways.
I recognize so much of what you have written through my own journey.
I am so glad for you that you have had the courage to push through your blocks. I know some of the experiences that you describe in your writing. It feels very personal when I read it...I want you to realize that you are an inspiration to those of us who have yet to find our own inner courage to just move into our God-work. So I want to thank you. I wish you even greater success and I will continue to be inspired by you as I watch you blossom into your fullest God-expression.
Bless you"

 In this note I realized that I MUST fulfill my aspirations!  (Again!)  That my story and my growth when made public and offered for the sake of sharing WILL inspire others to grow.  And that although I've chosen a path that will no doubt bring ridicule and judgement to myself, my mission is to help spread LIGHT in the world, and I must follow the path that destiny has created!

I realised upon digesting this note that it's not rejection that frightens me, as I previously thought, it's ridicule and judgement.  Anyone who puts themselves "out there" is subject to it and inevitably finds it.  We all put our best foot forward for the world to see, but often hope that the ugly stuff doesn't show.  At least I always have.  One of my recurring thoughts about the many people who are involved in my life is "when you really get to know me, you wont like me anymore".  And this is why I've kept most people at arms length and stuggle with intimacy.  Where there is light there is darkenss.  It has felt wonderful to recieve the support and admiration of many people over the last year.  But, as public people always do, I've also fallen from people's graces on more than one occassion.  People forget that no one is perfect.  And that troubles me, and I'm afraid of that.  And I know that now I'm opening myself up to THAT feeling a lot more often.....But I KNOW, that we learn everything we came here to learn through others....

As I've said before, run toward your greatest fear armed for battle and once on the other side, you will find the greatest and brightest Light you've ever seen.

I'll continue to prepare myself, making my body, mind and spirit as strong and as connected to the other parts as I can.  THAT is my armour.  And I will put it all out there, for I've always believed that we are examples for eachother to learn from when we are truly open and completely honest and stark naked.  Easy, nope. Scary, yup...YUP.   Deep breath... But I"m ready.  Yes, I am ready.  Go ahead, hold up those mirrors!  :)

When midnight MARKS your 40th year, your path and direction will be perfectly clear!!!!!  Wow, what a journey.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Okay 40. I'm ready.

Some background:  In my very early 30's I had an awakening.  Heaven rained down on me for a series of months and I was changed forever.  Now, of course there were things that led to the skies opening over my head.  I'd suffered from my first bout of serious depression in 1996, one year after I'd gotten married and also 1 year after I'd finished my term as Miss Massachusetts and began working as a teacher's assistant, nanny and an aid to autistic children, all jobs I loved and truly excelled at. I learned quite a bit from that experience and that time it took about 6 months to come out of the depression and years to fully recover.  My second deep plunge was after I had my second child, Anthony in 2001 and that's a whole other story!  Before and between those two bouts of dis-ease I had studied most of the major religions as well as history and government at Salem State College.  Also between the 2 I had a religious experience as I flew across the country to sing at my life-long, soul-friend's wedding (a bond that was physically broken when her father was murdered here in 1985, when we were in junior high school).  During the stay in WI, Joe and I drove through corn fields and farms and listened to country music  :).  I came home to write a CD's worth of songs and was introduced to Brian Maes who took my tape-recordings (just vocals, mind you) and turned my ideas into beautiful music.  He mentored me and I joined my first band, a country band named Cheyenne.  Of course I was fired (although they wont tell ya that!) shortly thereafter.  Totally green.  :)   But I kept at it, just a bit and there have been many stops and starts to my hobby turned career until the year of my awakening.  The rest, you least musically, and some of you know it all!

The awakening led me through a series of synchronicity and divine interventions and some other amazing experiences and people that eventually led me to the Kaballah Center in Newton, MA.  I studied there for about a year extensively and carry it's teachings inside me always.  Just a side  note here, in case you haven't heard my tune Yes I Am, LOL, that I have no ties to religion.  In any way.  Religion, seeking to separate any life from another life fundamentally goes against what I believe to be a truth.  I also know that whatever you believe is your personal truth.  I accept and respect all.  Anyhow, I digress.  Through my studies and getting more in tune with myself and my spirit and the natural  laws of the universe, I had many inspirations and many messages from the Universe.  I kept track of these through reflection and also had many experiences where I wasn't doing the thinking when I'd put pen to paper.  There were songs (I hadn't done anything musically in about 6 years), and they were written words in the forms of questions and answers and in journalling form, prayers and blessing chants (all still part of my experience).    I worked to unveil  myself through the peeling of layers that covered me.  A year into my awakening, study and practice, to important things happened:  I realized with no uncertainty, that I had a responsibility to share the gift of my voice.  As I worked to accept this and visualise and plan for a new direction and path(while raising 3 babies) I was shown more of my destiny.  And I began to record inspiration for a center of wellness and transformation that I was to manifest into reality.  So I started making plans, in my mind and on paper. I realised quickly that the scope of my vision was a huge undertaking and a financial endeavor that I wouldn't be able to endure alone.  And that I'd not receive any support for the center if I didn't become an active participant in this thing called life, and also, if I didn't sing.  So I called my old friend Brian.  My path was set and I've been singing ever since, full time.  I'd be willing to bet that 98% of anyone whose reading this entered my life since this's true, when ya step onto destiny's path, your connections (spiritual and otherwise) grow exponentially!  And you've all helped my music career blossom.  I've always continued on my other paths as well, until the last year when I seemed to step off-path somewhere...

In the last several months I began to slip for the third time into a depression.  I've written details about this part of the journey in my blog if you are interested.  But I'll give you some highlights of what I've experienced and learned since October when I cancelled all of my singing performances and prepared for my pending journey into my 4th decade.  A book could be written just about these last 3 months!  It began with a thought that was so jammed packed full of power that it shook me to the core.  As I was lost in negative thoughts and physical pain, I suddenly burst with "I do NOT accept these feelings as my reality".  Some of my favorite or most poignant messages have been the following:

There's No One But You

What if You Could????

Know Your-self, Love Your-self, Trust Your-self, Be Your-self

What would you do if you Loved Yourself?  What would that look like?  What would that feel like?

Love is all around you.  Let it BE where you look.

Give Your-Self a Break, for G-d's sake!!

Pay Attention, Study Your-self.

And my favorite, the one that truly makes me laugh every time, was the realization that I'm feisty....then I immediately wondered if that was in line with my mission and the message came so quick and witty  :  "You can be peaceful, loving AND feisty!  You're Irish!"

It's been 3 months of battling my demons head on.  Meditation, prayer, looking hard in the mirror, accepting, learning, loving, releasing and becoming.  I learned a tremendous amount of new things about my-self and I'm growing more into my personal mission :  I am of strong body, clear mind, joyful spirit, loving heart and positive outlook.  Which takes daily effort and investment in ME.  Most important lesson:  I HAVE committed to my-self (body, mind, spirit) on a full time basis, as i know that if I don't, I will not fulfill my destiny.  The second lesson I've learned fully is that just as I realised that my voice was a gift to be shared with others, all of inspirations and aspirations I have are meant to be shared as well.  All the parts that I've kept quietly between myself and an intimate group of loved ones have been developing in preparation to share with a larger audience...the lessons, the exercises, the journey.  And that now, in my 4th decade it's time for me to put all the parts together and then BE the highest version of myself.

It's a little scary, because this means getting naked again!  When I took on the musical part of my destiny, my greatest fear was performing in very small venues.  Being versed in the natural laws of the Universe, I know that to get to the end the quickest we must face our fears, so I started by singing in a 20 person bistro.  Now, my biggest fear is rejection, so I must expose myself in an even deeper way.  My lessons are filled with the truth, my most personal journeys...phew.......but if I am to fulfill, I must peel back more layers.  So I welcome you to all of it:

I'd love to share with you my outward intentions for this new chapter of my life!  I'll always sing, I'll continue to create musically.  I cannot see exactly how this will look, but I'm committed to that part of myself.  I'm encouraged and excited about this year's new album release!  The plans for the center that I mentioned earlier are coming together, and have developed another aspect since the first plan, it will incorporate a small, intimate performance venue  :).  I've been offered a great, small location in downtown Haverhill to begin this journey!  I am also taking my love of helping others find purpose, navigate challenges to a new level.  After years of working one-on-one with others, I'm becoming certified as a life-coach through a school in California and also beginning the program of becoming an herbalist.  I've loved every moment of studying the medicinal and spiritual attributes of the plant life that Mother Earth has provided us with and I need to know as much as possible!  Yes, herbs will be a big part of the center as well....I will continue to use them and teach about them in bath product lines and in other ways as'll be privy to all if it if you so choose to be.  I promise to tell you more about the Center soon, but for now, I'll just say that it's to be called "Eve Rising Center for Arts & Wellness" and it will serve the community by bringing it together for classes, events, charity, entertainment and friendship with the intentions of stirring the body, mind, & spirit  individually and as a group of connected people.    :))).  I'm also writing a book, maybe more than one  :)....if you'd like to follow my blog, you'll get the drift of my writing intentions.  I am committing now to taking many of my lessons that have been recorded in dozens of journals along the way to this blog in preparation for the first book. As I move forward and continue on this journey, I believe I will be equipped to teach others the course I am creating, learning and experiencing every day now:  Learning To Live.  The details have been unfolding since that thought "I do not accept these feelings as my reality".   

I truly hope that you'll grow along side of me and accept the offering of what I'm learning through my blog and classes and center as you have embraced me as a singer!  Thank you for taking me through the last decade with constant encouragement and support.  I hope I can continue to let the Light of the Universe and of G-d shine through me and humbly inspire others to do the same.

Much love and gratitude,
(aka:  E.F. Sieker)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Coming Together

Being quiet and resisting distraction has allowed me to follow my instincts, signs, intuition, gut, heart, curiosities. 

I'm pleased that in following these I'm beginning to see a picture develop in my minds eye and I'm pretty blown away by who I am!  HAHA!  When I use the term "who I am", I am referring to my inner being who already IS everything I want to be. 

I'm excited to learn more about the things that interest me (my JOY) and light my fire.  I'm excited to be able to share it all with you as I learn it.  Just before Christmas I  found an old single journal entry I'd written on loose leaf paper.  I was really dumbfounded by it.  I could have written the exact same words the day I found it, 12 years later.  I know I've made tons of progress in the last 12 years, but I'm still working on the same issues.  I'd grown, but I hadn't changed.  That was a real gift of validation for the work I'd begun in October. 

Most people would assume that when I cancelled my calendar I was taking a break, but I was really getting down to business for the first time, at a new level of awareness.  I'm so incredibly grateful that I was afforded the opportunity to release my obligations outside of my family to change my focus and create a new way of being.

The challenges I've faced so far have been changing habits, which are really addictions. 

The first was the addiction to produce.
Learning to allow myself to my own thoughts, present in the moment, whatever that moment is.  To feel whatever I'm feeling without rejecting it, without trying to change it.  In October I was depressed.  I've been depressed before.  I know many steps to overcome depression, I've done it before.  But in relinquishing my schedule, I gave myself the time to feel sad, to cry, to feel the pain in my body, to honor it.  To sleep, to lie down, to rest.  I resisted to urge to "do" because the "doing" was just a distraction, but wasn't solving my core issues.  The American culture has trained us to believe tht being sick or being tired is equal to being of weak character.  We are trained to "work hard".  When we describe our strongest traits, we often call oursleves "hard workers".  Ugggh, what an awful description.  We wonder why we are constantly struggling to swim upstream!!  I dont want anything to be hard, and I dont want anything to feel like work!  So I resisted the habit of beating myself up for not feeling happy, not feeling energetic and not feeling like "doing" anything.  It wan't an easy habit to break, but it was liberating as I released that paradigm from my way of thinking! 
"There is nothing wrong with me" was a good beginning mantra, and over the weeks graduated to "I am perfect the way I am".  Now, I was on the road to healing myself!!

The second habit, or addiction I chose to change is the addiction to approval.  The addiciton to other people's admiration.  With the ease of social networking, it's so easy to put yourself out there for the approval of others.  It took self discipline and restriction to cut myself off from my audience so that my need for attention would be shaken to the core.  When we are addicted to approval, we aren't in touch with ourselves at all as we are continually making choices based on what we think other people will applaud.  Going within to accomplish real change cannot include other peoples opinons, real or imagined! 
"There is only YOU"  is the mantra that opened the door to this new way of being.  I've learned that using other people for a barometer of my success or failure has been a dis-service to my-self.  That in order to grow we must belive in our own opinons, which really means that we must TRUST ourselves.  In order to trust ourselves, we have to KNOW ourselves and LOVE ourselves........only with these three characteristics can we ever fully BE ourselves. 

And herin lies the premise for the course I'm taking, living and creating each moment of this hiatus from my old life:   Learning To Live.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Be The Highest Version of Your-Self


This is one of the mantras that my inner being offers to me on occassion.  When imagining what the highest version of my-self would DO, I see myself running on the beach.  I embrace the meditation because I know that doing something in my mind is no less real than doing it with my body.  I understand the power of deliberate thought and that once the mind "see's" something fully, it's measurably easier for the body to accomplish it. 

As I'm watching my body run along the beach, I think, "*sigh*.....that's gonna feel so good someday"....HUH?!  Someday?!  Well, with that thought, that very first thought, I just put a big ole stop sign up to the beautiful image my inner being was showing me; the image of who I already am! I just turned the down the offer, and I dismissed the TRUTH about myself! 

That's where WHAT IF YOU COULD? comes in.  It's like my mind is offering a test.  But WHAT IF???????  What if the vision is the truth? What would that look like (go back to it, dummy!), What would it FEEL like?  go back, go back!!

If I really believe that once something is done in my mind, it is written; then I must know that I CAN do this right now.  That I AM already doing it in this moment.  That my inner being is showing me what it has already become based on my initial idea of running free, free of pain and free of spirit.  That my mind is hoping that my body will go with it, and my inner being is wanting me to just be with the thought!  I mean, who says I cant?  I'm the only one in charge in here, so, do I say I cant?

yes, it was ME who said "I can't" when I thought "...someday".  And "I Cant" is a completely different vibration from the vibration of the vision my inner being just showed me.  My inner being, the highest version of myself, becomes my highest thought and communicates with me through the mind's eye,  visions, imagination-if you will.

If the body cant fully experience the minds adventures in this moment, act as if it can.  That's a fun trick, like "fake it til ya make it".  What would you be doing differently IF you COULD-or should I say, WHEN you DO...?

What might a day look like?  Well, do that now!  And KNOW with complete certainty, that the image you conjure of yourself IS who you ARE.  Move as quickly as you can into the frame of your mind as you see what you want, who you are. This is about thoughts, not actions.  BE THERE.  Dont turn your thoughts back to the thought you had that spawned the right one.  "Stay, stay, stay" my inner voice says to me....BE on the beach, running.  Dont think.  Stay, stay, stay...

What am I getting ready for?  This time is only about building the strongest body, clearest mind, peaceful heart, powerful spirit and most positive outlook possible in the next month.

Therefore:   I am of strong body, clear mind, peaceful heart, powerful spirit and positive attitude. 

I recognize God in all that is and appreciate the gifts of beauty provided me.  "All this and more" is the offering from Soul of the World.  These trees, this land, the sun, the stars, the moon, the animals, the ocean, your home, your family, all the people of the planet, all the choices, it's all for you.....

Saturday, January 8, 2011

39 and one-half. The Introduction.

I've known for a week that I would take the plunge, I would have to if I wanted to reach my goal.  I dont know as though I had a clear cut goal per-se, but I knew I had a deadline.  The angel told me in August, when I was on the verge of asking for a divorce and the full-blown experience of personal self-combustion.  She promised and warned, "When midnight marks you're 40th year, your path and direction will be perfectly clear". 

I knew this Angel, we met officially on my 39th birthday, last January.  She re-introduced me to my personal power when, after a Goddess-inspired, intentional and purposeful miracle-making weekend with my two soul-sisters, I stopped a driving rain in an instant.  Thank Goddess there was another person who witnessed the event, because I can still easily convince myself that it was all in my imagination!  Although I sensed Her, and felt Her prescence presiding over that memorable birthday weekend, when the rain stopped on my demand I heard Her voice as I hear my phone ring.  She spoke clearly and I saw through a thin veil her long golden-streaked red locks falling over my shoulder.  She laughed at my shock and lovingly instructed, "Dont abuse it..."   Since that weekend I have heard her, seen her, and felt her on a number of occassions, but the really mind-blowing, life-changing stuff started again on that fateful family vacation to Bar Harbor in late August 2010, a trip given as a gift to me by a "fan" in Tennesee. 

A 5 hour drive in a minivan with 3 children 10 years old and under can be trying in the best of circumstances, but for this Momma it was the straw that broke the camels back.  I'd been pursuing a music career full-time for a little over 5 years (I'd been pursuing it all my life, really, but with all the starts and stops in between, this last stretch is the only one I can pat myself on the back for).  We were in full swing, having worked anywhere from 8-20 gigs a month and had just been offered the "big break"...the one I knew without a doubt would take the band to the next level, the official title of House Band for The House of Blues in Boston, MA.  It had been a long half-year.  Heck it had been a long few years, with late nights, lots of parties, and lots of admirers bearing lots of gifts: good-for-the-soul ones, and not-so-good-for-the-soul ones, as it turns out.  I was beginning to see my family as an interuption in my career...although I didn't view it in quite that light at the time.  All I knew is that they were pissing me off.  All the time. 

Joe and I have been married for almost 16 years as I write this.  Upon returning home to my parents after our first date, I woke my mother and announced that I had just been out with the man I would marry.  He took some beating over the head to actually ask me for a date, and I had just about cancelled the date after he and his friend, one-half of our double date, were over one-half of an hour late; but I knew.  Even though I had to let him know that I had to let him go pursue someone else a few months later, (I would not have "sloppy seconds" and we were not "exclusive" yet) I knew.  Even though I was disappointed that he didn't send flowers or a note while I was in Atlantic City competing for Miss America, I knew.  Even though he lied to me about where he was and what he was doing one night, I knew.  And when he told me that he was taking the night off from his pizza business to help his Father's friend with a laborous garage job (totally believable alibi), I knew he was going out shopping for an engagement ring.  And when we made plans to go to the beach after he got out of work on July 3rd, 1993 (which we often did), I knew he was going to ask me to marry him.  Even though we had never spoken of marriage during our courtship (did I just say "courtship"??), I knew.  Ask my Mom, she'll back me up.  :) 

Of course I'd said "Yes".  I'd been trying to marry myself off since I was a teenager.  First to Eric when I was a freshman in highschool, (4 years ago he told me he still "wishes"....), then to Billy, my 28 year old prom date, and then again to Micheal who I "went out with" from the time I was 17 until I met Joe, and to whom I still owe apologies..he was a special one.  There were many more, some who asked for my hand and I had to deny, some who I wished for love from but who took advantage of those wishes, and one, NT who was such a cool friend that we determined if neither of us found our soul mates by a certain point we would marry eachother becuase we just had so much fun together.  Ironically, Ned met his soul mate the same time I met Joe. 

Anyhoo, back to the 5 hour minivan ride en route to Bar Harbor, I'm sitting in the van, the kids are abnoxiously and loudly bickering and fighting about every single thing one of them says, does or even thinks; I'm wishing I were somewhere else, or even better, alone!  And reflecting on the ideas that I've been feeling strongly for some time:  "no one in this van enjoys my company, no one in this van appreciates what I do for them, no one in this van accepts me for who I am, no one in this van even wants me to be here.  It is not possible for me to be myself in any way, shape or form while I am with these people."  My energy is swirling, and it's ugly.  After years of skirting around the issue, years of wanting, without return from my lover and partner,  I've reache dthe end of my rope and I'm going to ask for a divorce.  Even though I was about to bust wide open and scream it to the universe, I was contemplating my final question:  Do I tell him while we are on this vacation, or do I wait until we get home?

"Ding-a-Ling"'ve got mail....

I'd been a subscriber to Neale Donald-Walsh's daily email's for a couple of years.  His "Conversations With God" series was one of my life-changes in the late 1990's.  I'd come to learn that unlike my other subscriptions, Neals's notes came at any given time during the day, and very often were completely pertinent to my immediate circumstance.  "Oh reallllly?" Was my thought as I opened the email, which said:

"On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that giving up is not the answer.  Neither is giving in.
 Stand your ground.
There is a way of doing that without having to be
combative. There is a way of hanging on to your true self,
and demonstrating it, without resorting to aggression.
But giving up and giving in is not the way.

Simply and quietly claiming your right to be You
is the way.

You know exactly why you received this message today.

 Love, Your Friend....Neale Donald Walsch"

In that moment I knew what to do.....and in that moment I began asking for help, and stregnth, and that's when the Angel spoke boldly enough for me to hear.  She offered me a chant that calmed me down every time the kids energy started to wire me up.  I determined to quietly be myself, and not focus on what I thought they thought about what I did or wanted to do.  I breathed deep, because She reminded me to.  Late that evening, after we'd unpacked and done some fun, vacation-type activities, she spoke to me again:  "When midnight marks your fourtieth year, your path and direction will be perfrectly clear". 

Now I must digress here and tell you, that the rest of this introduction will end with Neale Donald Wasch as well, because after the journey I'll describe, one of self-reflection that I'm still in the midst of, last night I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that every opportunity awaits me, that all doors are ready to be opened I just need choose which one I'd like to go through.  I've been denying myself the art of writing my story, for several reasons which you'll soon know.  Today as I began to write this, and feel that I truly do WANT to write,  just after I finished paragraph 2, I got another email from Neale.  It was one that offered an opportunity for people who see themselves as messangers for the new spirituality( which I belive I may be) to participate in The Movement of Change, a program in which you are taken step-by-step through the process of writing and publishing your own Messenger Mini-book).  Follow your signs, people....they will lead your way.

For another month I tried to keep all my balls in the air and also download the message I had recieved so as to be an active participant.  I've had MANY awakwenings over the years, and each has led me to change, sometimes very dramatic ones, but this time...well, I was coming to the end of a chapter which would determine the next chapter's beginning.  This was big, and I knew it.  And I knew that I had to change some things, in order to change some things, but I wasn't changing.  I knew I had to get very quiet, to go within, to listen to myself, in order to make those changes, but my life was the exact opposite of quiet.  Sooo, desperately I wanted to heed the warning I'd recieved, but there were obligations to so many, and not just my husband and 3 children, who were still pissing me off, all the time.  My band mates; my wonderful band of merry men who trust my guidance and my creative vision and give me a strong musical foundation to perform upon, with thier hopes held tightly to my vision of success.  The fans who count on us to feed them the energy they take with them from show to show.  The seekers who ask me for help in troubling times, who I love to help and always try to, my sister who is fighting breast cancer with horrible chemotherapy and radiation, my Dad who is physically and mentally beginning his descent, my brand new first neice....... you get it....So, the Universe, hearing my desperate call, provided me with the circumstances for quiet time. 

I became utterly exhausted, my body began to ache, everywhere; my joints, my muscles, my bones.  My heart, my was unmistakedly my 3rd spiral in 15 years into the dark world of depression.  Looking back, I see the exact moment that the STOP sign went up.  It was the third weekend in September.  I had just finished a beautiful, intimate duo gig with my buddy Dave, my longest band member.  It may have been my favorite performance to date.  Afterwards I was bringing equiptment to my van and took a BAD fall.  You know, the kind that you lay there for as long as you can, hoping that you are alright.  Two weeks later I cancelled every single show for the rest of the year, including our upcoming run at The House of Blues.

And now, 4 months since the promisory warning and 15 days until midnight marks my 40th year, I took the plunge.  I'm finishing what I've started and I've offically checked out of society.  Although I'm not sure how this chapter is going to end, and although I restrict myself from projecting any ideas about it, I know that I will be in the perfect position to hear, recieve, be, experience whatever that moment offers, because I'm quiet, I'm paying attention and I'm preparing for it.  Now, I AM changing.