Thursday, November 18, 2010
Practice Love, Give Love, Be Love, Feel Love (the 2nd record of a conversation between my-self and my-self!)
What if You KNEW that in 21 days you'd be better-completely and thoroughly better?
The question played over and over in my head, and set itself inside me deeper and more securely with every repetition. I knew I wanted to go back to the place I had been the last time I had a conversation with my-self and searched my memory bank for the steps...
Just Be. Then remember.
What was the process? When did I listen, when did I write?
I was feeling a pull, a rush to get everything down in writing, to repeat it all. Anxiety even, that I wouldn't be able to produce the same results as I was able to the last time. Nervous that I would forget what I was being told. I was reminded that my-self wouldn't forget.
"Can I tune in ALL the time?"
Whenever you call I am here, but if you cannot hear me over everything else, you know where to go. :)
Breathe, listen. Bath if I have to! Got it.
So I went to the bath.....(later I realized-I think this is true- that I didn't get quiet enough before I got to the bath. next time I'll work on the listening to the body and meditation first, to get centered before the bath...). But I did begin to pay attention to the pains in my body, they became more intense as i noticed them and I was able to pinpoint and draw sketches of where they start and end. I could actually and literally HEAR the creaks of my joints/tendons/muscles as i moved them and understood that the creaking symbolized fragmented movement, interruptions in energy flows. I understood that these interruptions, the fragmented body movements are part-maybe a large part-of my suffering, and also reflective of my mental state....indecisions, dis-tractability, uncertainty.
"Maybe my ears are blocked up like this so that I can stay in my head and also so that I can hear/LISTEN to my body, literally!?"
Trust. Faith. Ask and you shall receive. Are these not the answers you have been seeking? Are you not on a quest to heal yourself?
Without knowing what's plaguing your body, you cannot heal it.
"But if I ask and will receive, why aren’t I healed immediately?"
That is not what you are asking for. You want to change, at your core level. You want to change your-self forever, for this lifetime and all that follow. You are desiring to learn the details of how to do this for your-self, acquire the knowledge fully and create a new living life-style. Is that right?
So, you are provided with your truths as you need them, as you choose to change them. you have called on, once and for all, a change to the way you co-operate with your body. You desire to know it intimately, to treat it with love, and kindness. To help it heal, to help it grow, to encourage it's potential. You are not sending out the energy of instantaneous healing, but have chosen steps of healing instead. Now, should you change your mind, anytime, you shall receive that, then. And remember, this is true of what you would consider "negative" as well.
The feelings of my body, this dis-jointedness, the fragmented energy that makes my movements feel fragmented; is that related to the conflicting/random/sporatic/furiously fast thoughts of my mind?
Completely. As you begin to move your body more fluidly, your mind will also "think" more fluidly; and as you begin to quiet your mind (force yourself to stay put! Breathe when distractions and impulses interrupt your process) more frequently, the energy flow of your mind will also help you further assist the energy flow of your body.
That "staying put" thing is really difficult for me. Am I running away from something when I constantly want to get up? I feel that my mind is more in control of this impulse than my body.
Now, what happens when I ask a question like this is the most amazing part of this whole experience. My body/mind actually begins going through all of the feelings in real time, of the question I asked. This happens so I can find my answer for "my-self". I also realize through this process that this is why I fear I will forget what I'm being shown...that I must LEARN it so that I can change forever...and the process of learning is the predecessor to "being"...
"WAIT A MINUTE!-You told me this last time!"
Yes, exactly! I showed you, and now you are learning that lesson!
I also need to point out that what just happened as I was writing, the "AH HA! You told me this", and later being shown a whole different way to understand it, is happening more and more frequently. And is truly an exhilarating feeling! I feel like I'm having a breakthrough thought and suddenly I realize that it was a breakthrough thought presented in a different way at another time in the past. It’s pretty incredible!
This is also directly related with the flow of oxygen into your body. Deep, slow and steady breathing is the first and foremost important step to good health-spiritually, mentally and physically!
The first lesson that I recorded!
Precisely. I told you I'd I wouldn't forget. :) And I also told you that I would remind you of things you needed to be reminded of if you were quiet enough to hear....
That's right, you told me that yesterday. I guess I should jot that conversation down now. Yesterday was truly amazing. And I assumed that when I sat to write today I'd be reviewing yesterday only. I appreciate that you're offering new insights as I journal today!
I'm always here.
So you've said!
And now you're listening! I want to point out one more thing before we move on. Your blocked ears also give you the same way of “hearing” your breathing as being under water….remember that?
I do. I can hear my breathing very deeply now and it’s easier to follow, I don’t have to focus as intently on it because I can hear it’s flow and whether it is deep or shallow, steady or inconsistent, disjointed.
Moving on to yesterdays conversation again, I feel myself getting anxious again about not being able to put the pieces together even though I jotted notes down during the day.
Breathe, then remember.
21 days. Don’t move slowly! You already know what needs to be done…it won’t take any more of you than you have. You don’t have to be any better than what you are at this moment to beg9in day 1. Commit to being the best version of yourself for 21 days. Because, what if you knew you would be completely better, spiritually, mentally and physically, if you did? What would your day look like if this was your only goal???
Can I come back to this later and continue journaling my notes?
You can do anything you wish!
You are keeping yourself sick out of fear. Fear that you cant handle being well. Fear that if you were healed today you will make the same mistakes, relive the same behavioral patterns and end up right here again, so you might as well stay! You will have nothing in this lifetime that you cannot handle. You can stay here as long as you wish, as long as you need to. But 21 days…..and you’d completely better….just sayin’.
Am I allowing this to happen, or am I causing it to happen?
YOU ARE ALWAYS THE CAUSE! YOU ARE THE CREATOR!
I’m going through my notes, and remember that another AH-HA moment came with you showing me, or me experiencing your words twice in different ways, but I cant really remember the conversations that led to the statement…it was:
“Anyone can go down, but it takes________to go up.” Can you refresh me now?
The second ah-ha, came after you wanted to go out for a cig and it was raining, and you’d already been out for one-plenty, actually, and I tried to convince you not to, and we went back and forth. You were going to go to the basement to smoke, which you haven’t done in a couple of months. You were on the verge and thinking about how sore your legs were and that it was either go downstairs to smoke, or go upstairs to sit down cause you had been walking around while talking to me and your legs were sore….it takes “strength” to go up were the words that time.
Right, my legs and my back were really sore. I spent over an hour at least walking around the house in circles. What a great conversation we had. I wondered why I had to walk, and why I couldn’t seem to sit still…something like that..
Because when you walk, you think. And you’re learning how to hear ME. But when you sit and get very, very quiet…
You hear YOU. Your inner-self , whole and complete.
Who are you, then?
I am whatever you choose to call me, but I am part of you as well.
Well, maybe I’ll wait to give you a title until we get to know each other better.
Laughs..I already know you!
You don’t sound/feel as loving as you did the last time we talked.
You were much happier when you came to me last time. When you don’t love yourself you cannot experience anyone else’s love for you. The amount of love you accepted/felt from me is in direct proportion to the amount of love you have for yourself. Love is a verb AND a tool. Use it. If you don’t “feel” love for yourself, then treat yourself with love. Remember the question “What if you could? What would it feel/look like?” Another tool is to transfer love. You love your children. Sometimes it will be easier for you to feel the love for them and it will open your heart up.
I’ve got 10 minutes left. Is there anything you’d like to say to close our session?
Yes, just know that what you ask for, you are given. That’s no consequence. Like loving, it’s also a tool. Ask for peace, love, rest and healing. And ask your questions. And know that you are being provided for immediately. Just like you couldn’t accept, (couldn’t “feel”) all of my love for you, you can only accept the gift of healing as much as you can accept love. Healing is love.
As is peace. It will serve you well to begin the experience of loving yourself in this moment. What does that look like? What does that feel like?
Practice Love, Give love, Be Love, Feel Love.
Love Yourself, Know Yourself, Trust Yourself, Be Yourself 11-1-10 (a record of a conversation between my-self and....well, my-self!)
My overwhelming, intense and sudden thought: “I don't accept these feelings as my reality.”
Later, I clearly heard:
"There's No One But You. Breathe and repeat. Listen to your own body and clear your mind of anyone or anything outside of yourself."
And I did. And I did it again, and again, and again. And I felt my body instructing itself to move the parts that needed to be moved, in the way they needed to be moved. And I heard my Spirit offer insights as I sent my intentions out again. And I got distracted. And I noticed my thoughts, the destructive ones. And I recognized that there are more than 1 source of energy and influence operating inside of me. And that these different energies seem to have personalities of their own. I desire to know each of these entities and what their roles and capacities are. I continued this practice of breathing, listening, noticing and allowing as I moved through my spaces.
“Why do I constantly envision my space differently in order for me to feel it's beautiful?”
Response: "Your visions/thoughts are indicating to you that you "think" you need something outside yourself in order to "Be", that you need things outside yourself to be different in order to do something differently. Your mind is thinking futuristic-ally. You cannot receive fullness unless you are in the present moment. You cannot create lasting changes unless you are in the present moment. Your thoughts cannot bring you to the present moment."
Thought: “How can I get to the present moment?”
Response: "BREATHE. First, foremost and most importantly."
I resisted some habitual reactions, like running to the computer to create a facebook status! HAHAH!! and my-self revealed:
"Yes, you will share it-when it is your desire to share for the sake of sharing. Slow down and learn. You cannot teach the truth truthfully until you first learn and then Become the Truth. And know this as well: your "Being" will affect change faster and more fully than any words you will ever write. So know that you are hurting the whole if you start announcing before you've learned and become something fully. You are 1. Looking for accolades, and that approach will not serve your personal quest and 2. Your words will not reach their potential of affect until you Become them, and that will not serve the world."
Thought: Why, when I begin any small task of change in any way, do my thoughts immediately travel to other people??? More often than not, I then feel stupid, or guilty, or that awful, nagging "you cant, you wont" crap?
Response: "When you "think" of yourself, you immediately "think" of someone else. You immediately "think" about what that other person "thinks" of you. Then you decide how to proceed. Know this: the thoughts that you believe belong to someone else are YOUR thoughts. Even if you have the ability to tap into others thoughts, the empathy to feel their emotions, human beings cannot access the chemical "thought-->emotion response" within another human beings body. You have no access to the true full thoughts/feelings of someone else in regard to yourself. So stop fooling yourself! The way you "think" someone else feels about you is actually the way one part of your-self feels about another aspect of your-self."
As I listened, and felt/heard reactions of one aspect of myself to another aspect of myself, and somewhat understood some things, I realized: "I see myself as unworthy."
I took a healing bath with the herbs, crystal and prayer I created last month: (the one for Anne and Tina NOTE: find the instructions and link).
And I Breathed. Somehow breathing while your ears are immersed in water changes the way you breathe. Its deeper, it's solemn. As well, the bath is a great place to start learning to meditate because I cant fulfill my physical urges of distraction. Again I felt my body instructing itself to move the parts that needed to be moved, in the way they needed to be moved. And I heard my Spirit offer insights as I sent my intentions out again.
"What if you could ____________"?
What if you COULD move through your day without your body causing problems? What if you COULD? WHAT would that look like? What would it FEEL like?
And I saw it and felt it. It was brief, but it was GOOD. And I got distracted. and I noticed my thoughts, the destructive ones. And I recognized that there are more than 1 source of energy and influence operating inside of me. And that these different energies seem to have personalities of their own. And i let myself be, and watch, and listen and move. And I found my-self repeating to my-self "without judgement. without judgement" and "there is no one but YOU" as the destructive self-hating thoughts and thoughts of other people would enter.
Steps to my personal freedom were revealed:
- Love Yourself
- Know Your-self
- Trust Your-self
- Be Your-self
To know yourself: Listen. Notice. Allow. BE ALONE.
You are not your thoughts.
You cannot "think" your way through this.
I was inspired to stand and raise my arms, and I admitted that I cannot heal myself alone, and ask the forces of the brightest light and love to enter my body through my crown and imbue my organs and muscles with their love. And then I found myself cleansing my body of it's garbage, using my hands like strainers beginning at my feet, pulling upward collecting the muck, and dirt until they were full, then throwing it aside into a fire of pure light and love which surrounded me. I probably did this for 30 minutes. Once I felt the task was complete, I started moving my body as it instructed me to. And I noticed and listened to the different,contrasting thoughts between the different aspects of my-self and realized:
Thought:I am at odds with myself.
Response: "your body is angry with your mind because it's done what the mind has told it to do and the result has been pain for the body. The body doesn't trust the mind. The mind is strong and egotistical. it views the body as weak and weakness is cowardly to the egotistical mind. When the body says "my teeth need to be brushed" or "I'm hungry" the mind responds with haste and laziness; immaturity, and frustration. When the mind says "I want to create", the body in distrust and it's current state of malnourishment, responds with pain and symptoms of exhaustion. When your third aspect can intervene and help them to work together for the good of the whole, you will begin to find harmony within."
"What would you do if you loved yourself?" What would that look like? what would that feel like?
And I saw, and I felt, albeit brief. And it was GOOD.
At one point, I thought I was finished and I felt this ugliness, this awful angry dark energy inside me. I blew it out of myself with such ferociousness into that fire until I was almost exhausted.
I then asked for the Light to turn any remnants of what was burned into Love and healing. I said a blessing for the world, finding my arms stretched out, encircling their full length and moving up and down and around a ball of energy which I knew was our planet, as i sent out the forgiveness and peacefulness that was offered to me.
I realize, that my inner being is instructing me to meditate on the statements and questions it offers without my probing, the ones in colored font; guiding me to health-just as I asked in the prayer! She's speaking "boldly, so I may allow my true inner being to govern me now" HALLELUJAH! What a miracle!!!! WAHOO! I felt immense gratitude; I thanked them, and left the bath....
Something inside of me quietly and snidely muttered "you're weak"
The Response was quick and bold: "You are NOT weak! Am I weak?"
R: "I AM YOU TOO".