My overwhelming, intense and sudden thought: “I don't accept these feelings as my reality.”
Later, I clearly heard:
"There's No One But You. Breathe and repeat. Listen to your own body and clear your mind of anyone or anything outside of yourself."
And I did. And I did it again, and again, and again. And I felt my body instructing itself to move the parts that needed to be moved, in the way they needed to be moved. And I heard my Spirit offer insights as I sent my intentions out again. And I got distracted. And I noticed my thoughts, the destructive ones. And I recognized that there are more than 1 source of energy and influence operating inside of me. And that these different energies seem to have personalities of their own. I desire to know each of these entities and what their roles and capacities are. I continued this practice of breathing, listening, noticing and allowing as I moved through my spaces.
“Why do I constantly envision my space differently in order for me to feel it's beautiful?”
Response: "Your visions/thoughts are indicating to you that you "think" you need something outside yourself in order to "Be", that you need things outside yourself to be different in order to do something differently. Your mind is thinking futuristic-ally. You cannot receive fullness unless you are in the present moment. You cannot create lasting changes unless you are in the present moment. Your thoughts cannot bring you to the present moment."
Thought: “How can I get to the present moment?”
Response: "BREATHE. First, foremost and most importantly."
I resisted some habitual reactions, like running to the computer to create a facebook status! HAHAH!! and my-self revealed:
"Yes, you will share it-when it is your desire to share for the sake of sharing. Slow down and learn. You cannot teach the truth truthfully until you first learn and then Become the Truth. And know this as well: your "Being" will affect change faster and more fully than any words you will ever write. So know that you are hurting the whole if you start announcing before you've learned and become something fully. You are 1. Looking for accolades, and that approach will not serve your personal quest and 2. Your words will not reach their potential of affect until you Become them, and that will not serve the world."
Thought: Why, when I begin any small task of change in any way, do my thoughts immediately travel to other people??? More often than not, I then feel stupid, or guilty, or that awful, nagging "you cant, you wont" crap?
Response: "When you "think" of yourself, you immediately "think" of someone else. You immediately "think" about what that other person "thinks" of you. Then you decide how to proceed. Know this: the thoughts that you believe belong to someone else are YOUR thoughts. Even if you have the ability to tap into others thoughts, the empathy to feel their emotions, human beings cannot access the chemical "thought-->emotion response" within another human beings body. You have no access to the true full thoughts/feelings of someone else in regard to yourself. So stop fooling yourself! The way you "think" someone else feels about you is actually the way one part of your-self feels about another aspect of your-self."
As I listened, and felt/heard reactions of one aspect of myself to another aspect of myself, and somewhat understood some things, I realized: "I see myself as unworthy."
I took a healing bath with the herbs, crystal and prayer I created last month: (the one for Anne and Tina NOTE: find the instructions and link).
And I Breathed. Somehow breathing while your ears are immersed in water changes the way you breathe. Its deeper, it's solemn. As well, the bath is a great place to start learning to meditate because I cant fulfill my physical urges of distraction. Again I felt my body instructing itself to move the parts that needed to be moved, in the way they needed to be moved. And I heard my Spirit offer insights as I sent my intentions out again.
"What if you could ____________"?
What if you COULD move through your day without your body causing problems? What if you COULD? WHAT would that look like? What would it FEEL like?
And I saw it and felt it. It was brief, but it was GOOD. And I got distracted. and I noticed my thoughts, the destructive ones. And I recognized that there are more than 1 source of energy and influence operating inside of me. And that these different energies seem to have personalities of their own. And i let myself be, and watch, and listen and move. And I found my-self repeating to my-self "without judgement. without judgement" and "there is no one but YOU" as the destructive self-hating thoughts and thoughts of other people would enter.
Steps to my personal freedom were revealed:
- Love Yourself
- Know Your-self
- Trust Your-self
- Be Your-self
To know yourself: Listen. Notice. Allow. BE ALONE.
You are not your thoughts.
You cannot "think" your way through this.
I was inspired to stand and raise my arms, and I admitted that I cannot heal myself alone, and ask the forces of the brightest light and love to enter my body through my crown and imbue my organs and muscles with their love. And then I found myself cleansing my body of it's garbage, using my hands like strainers beginning at my feet, pulling upward collecting the muck, and dirt until they were full, then throwing it aside into a fire of pure light and love which surrounded me. I probably did this for 30 minutes. Once I felt the task was complete, I started moving my body as it instructed me to. And I noticed and listened to the different,contrasting thoughts between the different aspects of my-self and realized:
Thought:I am at odds with myself.
Response: "your body is angry with your mind because it's done what the mind has told it to do and the result has been pain for the body. The body doesn't trust the mind. The mind is strong and egotistical. it views the body as weak and weakness is cowardly to the egotistical mind. When the body says "my teeth need to be brushed" or "I'm hungry" the mind responds with haste and laziness; immaturity, and frustration. When the mind says "I want to create", the body in distrust and it's current state of malnourishment, responds with pain and symptoms of exhaustion. When your third aspect can intervene and help them to work together for the good of the whole, you will begin to find harmony within."
"What would you do if you loved yourself?" What would that look like? what would that feel like?
And I saw, and I felt, albeit brief. And it was GOOD.
At one point, I thought I was finished and I felt this ugliness, this awful angry dark energy inside me. I blew it out of myself with such ferociousness into that fire until I was almost exhausted.
I then asked for the Light to turn any remnants of what was burned into Love and healing. I said a blessing for the world, finding my arms stretched out, encircling their full length and moving up and down and around a ball of energy which I knew was our planet, as i sent out the forgiveness and peacefulness that was offered to me.
I realize, that my inner being is instructing me to meditate on the statements and questions it offers without my probing, the ones in colored font; guiding me to health-just as I asked in the prayer! She's speaking "boldly, so I may allow my true inner being to govern me now" HALLELUJAH! What a miracle!!!! WAHOO! I felt immense gratitude; I thanked them, and left the bath....
Something inside of me quietly and snidely muttered "you're weak"
The Response was quick and bold: "You are NOT weak! Am I weak?"
"no"
R: "I AM YOU TOO".
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