I've known for a week that I would take the plunge, I would have to if I wanted to reach my goal. I dont know as though I had a clear cut goal per-se, but I knew I had a deadline. The angel told me in August, when I was on the verge of asking for a divorce and the full-blown experience of personal self-combustion. She promised and warned, "When midnight marks you're 40th year, your path and direction will be perfectly clear".
I knew this Angel, we met officially on my 39th birthday, last January. She re-introduced me to my personal power when, after a Goddess-inspired, intentional and purposeful miracle-making weekend with my two soul-sisters, I stopped a driving rain in an instant. Thank Goddess there was another person who witnessed the event, because I can still easily convince myself that it was all in my imagination! Although I sensed Her, and felt Her prescence presiding over that memorable birthday weekend, when the rain stopped on my demand I heard Her voice as I hear my phone ring. She spoke clearly and I saw through a thin veil her long golden-streaked red locks falling over my shoulder. She laughed at my shock and lovingly instructed, "Dont abuse it..." Since that weekend I have heard her, seen her, and felt her on a number of occassions, but the really mind-blowing, life-changing stuff started again on that fateful family vacation to Bar Harbor in late August 2010, a trip given as a gift to me by a "fan" in Tennesee.
A 5 hour drive in a minivan with 3 children 10 years old and under can be trying in the best of circumstances, but for this Momma it was the straw that broke the camels back. I'd been pursuing a music career full-time for a little over 5 years (I'd been pursuing it all my life, really, but with all the starts and stops in between, this last stretch is the only one I can pat myself on the back for). We were in full swing, having worked anywhere from 8-20 gigs a month and had just been offered the "big break"...the one I knew without a doubt would take the band to the next level, the official title of House Band for The House of Blues in Boston, MA. It had been a long half-year. Heck it had been a long few years, with late nights, lots of parties, and lots of admirers bearing lots of gifts: good-for-the-soul ones, and not-so-good-for-the-soul ones, as it turns out. I was beginning to see my family as an interuption in my career...although I didn't view it in quite that light at the time. All I knew is that they were pissing me off. All the time.
Joe and I have been married for almost 16 years as I write this. Upon returning home to my parents after our first date, I woke my mother and announced that I had just been out with the man I would marry. He took some beating over the head to actually ask me for a date, and I had just about cancelled the date after he and his friend, one-half of our double date, were over one-half of an hour late; but
I knew. Even though I had to let him know that I had to let him go pursue someone else a few months later, (I would not have "sloppy seconds" and we were not "exclusive" yet)
I knew. Even though I was disappointed that he didn't send flowers or a note while I was in Atlantic City competing for Miss America,
I knew. Even though he lied to me about where he was and what he was doing one night,
I knew. And when he told me that he was taking the night off from his pizza business to help his Father's friend with a laborous garage job (totally believable alibi), I knew he was going out shopping for an engagement ring. And when we made plans to go to the beach after he got out of work on July 3rd, 1993 (which we often did), I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. Even though we had never spoken of marriage during our courtship (did I just say "courtship"??),
I knew. Ask my Mom, she'll back me up. :)
Of course I'd said "Yes". I'd been trying to marry myself off since I was a teenager. First to Eric when I was a freshman in highschool, (4 years ago he told me he still "wishes"....), then to Billy, my 28 year old prom date, and then again to Micheal who I "went out with" from the time I was 17 until I met Joe, and to whom I still owe apologies..he was a special one. There were many more, some who asked for my hand and I had to deny, some who I wished for love from but who took advantage of those wishes, and one, NT who was such a cool friend that we determined if neither of us found our soul mates by a certain point we would marry eachother becuase we just had so much fun together. Ironically, Ned met his soul mate the same time I met Joe.
Anyhoo, back to the 5 hour minivan ride en route to Bar Harbor, Maine....so I'm sitting in the van, the kids are abnoxiously and loudly bickering and fighting about every single thing one of them says, does or even
thinks; I'm wishing I were somewhere else, or even better, alone! And reflecting on the ideas that I've been feeling strongly for some time: "no one in this van enjoys my company, no one in this van appreciates what I do for them, no one in this van accepts me for who I am, no one in this van even wants me to be here.
It is not possible for me to be myself in any way, shape or form while I am with these people." My energy is swirling, and it's ugly. After years of skirting around the issue, years of wanting, without return from my lover and partner, I've reache dthe end of my rope and I'm going to ask for a divorce. Even though I was about to bust wide open and scream it to the universe, I was contemplating my final question: Do I tell him while we are on this vacation, or do I wait until we get home?
"Ding-a-Ling"....you've got mail....
I'd been a subscriber to Neale Donald-Walsh's daily email's for a couple of years. His "Conversations With God" series was one of my life-changes in the late 1990's. I'd come to learn that unlike my other subscriptions, Neals's notes came at any given time during the day, and very often were completely pertinent to my immediate circumstance. "Oh reallllly?" Was my thought as I opened the email, which said:
"On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that giving up is not the answer. Neither is giving in.
Stand your ground.
There is a way of doing that without having to be
combative. There is a way of hanging on to your true self,
and demonstrating it, without resorting to aggression.
But giving up and giving in is not the way.
Simply and quietly claiming your right to be You
is the way.
You know exactly why you received this message today.
Love, Your Friend....Neale Donald Walsch"
In that moment I knew what to do.....and in that moment I began asking for help, and stregnth, and that's when the Angel spoke boldly enough for me to hear. She offered me a chant that calmed me down every time the kids energy started to wire me up. I determined to quietly be myself, and not focus on what I thought they thought about what I did or wanted to do. I breathed deep, because She reminded me to. Late that evening, after we'd unpacked and done some fun, vacation-type activities, she spoke to me again: "When midnight marks your fourtieth year, your path and direction will be perfrectly clear".
Now I must digress here and tell you, that the rest of this introduction will end with Neale Donald Wasch as well, because after the journey I'll describe, one of self-reflection that I'm still in the midst of, last night I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that every opportunity awaits me, that all doors are ready to be opened I just need choose which one I'd like to go through. I've been denying myself the art of writing my story, for several reasons which you'll soon know. Today as I began to write this, and feel that I truly do WANT to write, just after I finished paragraph 2, I got another email from Neale. It was one that offered an opportunity for people who see themselves as messangers for the new spirituality( which I belive I may be) to participate in The Movement of Change, a program in which you are taken step-by-step through the process of writing and publishing your own Messenger Mini-book). Follow your signs, people....they will lead your way.
For another month I tried to keep all my balls in the air and also download the message I had recieved so as to be an active participant. I've had MANY awakwenings over the years, and each has led me to change, sometimes very dramatic ones, but this time...well, I was coming to the end of a chapter which would determine the next chapter's beginning. This was big, and I knew it. And I knew that I had to change some things, in order to change some things, but I wasn't changing. I knew I had to get very quiet, to go within, to listen to myself, in order to make those changes, but my life was the exact opposite of quiet. Sooo, desperately I wanted to heed the warning I'd recieved, but there were obligations to so many, and not just my husband and 3 children, who were still pissing me off, all the time. My band mates; my wonderful band of merry men who trust my guidance and my creative vision and give me a strong musical foundation to perform upon, with thier hopes held tightly to my vision of success. The fans who count on us to feed them the energy they take with them from show to show. The seekers who ask me for help in troubling times, who I love to help and always try to, my sister who is fighting breast cancer with horrible chemotherapy and radiation, my Dad who is physically and mentally beginning his descent, my brand new first neice....... you get it....So, the Universe, hearing my desperate call, provided me with the circumstances for quiet time.
I became utterly exhausted, my body began to ache, everywhere; my joints, my muscles, my bones. My heart, my soul....it was unmistakedly my 3rd spiral in 15 years into the dark world of depression. Looking back, I see the exact moment that the STOP sign went up. It was the third weekend in September. I had just finished a beautiful, intimate duo gig with my buddy Dave, my longest band member. It may have been my favorite performance to date. Afterwards I was bringing equiptment to my van and took a BAD fall. You know, the kind that you lay there for as long as you can, hoping that you are alright. Two weeks later I cancelled every single show for the rest of the year, including our upcoming run at The House of Blues.
And now, 4 months since the promisory warning and 15 days until midnight marks my 40th year, I took the plunge. I'm finishing what I've started and I've offically checked out of society. Although I'm not sure how this chapter is going to end, and although I restrict myself from projecting any ideas about it, I know that I will be in the perfect position to hear, recieve, be, experience whatever that moment offers, because I'm quiet, I'm paying attention and I'm preparing for it. Now, I AM changing.
